You Found Me
by A-GIRL-NAMED-BILLY
Summary: What happened to the poets after Neil left? This basically tells Todd's, Knox's, and finally Neil's stories and what happens when they meet up after 15 years apart. T for safety and mostly for chapter 2. Loose genres. Sorry for the delay.
1. Lost and Insecure

AN: No Neil is not being referred to as God because that would be weird, but that's how the song goes k? You have to read the lyrics for the story to make sense, so there!  This story is in existence because I think about this movie too much. We were driving home from Michigan listening to it and I was like "omg Neil and Todd." Actually it was originally Neil and his dad, but then I listened to the song again, Hehe.

Disclaimer: …really (that's really all need to say, but to be copyrightically correct) I _wish_ I owned the dead poets and their society, but I don't. I do not wish I owned the song because that would mean that I wrote it and that would mean I had inspiration to write it and this song is really pretty sad. The Fray is cool.

You Found Me: Lost and Insecure

Late November and it was cold in the small New Jersey town. Question: Why hadn't I left? Answer: Simply because I couldn't. Because…maybe I was hoping to run into him someday, as crazy as that sounds. And then…

_I found God  
On the corner of  
First and Amistad  
Where the west  
Was all but won_

Who was that? A tall, dark haired man leaning up against a building. I still saw things and I knew it. I'd been seeing things for nearly fifteen years and I always thought I should believe in them. I shook my head and made to walk past, knowing there was nothing there…but there was. When this happened I could usually rid myself of it very quickly, but not that time. People passed in front of the stranger and he was still there. I shut my eyes tight, shook my head, scattering snow onto the flakey sidewalk, and looked up again.

Still there.

_All alone  
Smoking his last cigarette_

I took a shot in the dark. I approached him, reached out my hand. My old roommate had smoked, but only if offered. As far as I remembered, he had never owned his own pack, but he blew smoke out and it was caught in the wind as I put a hand gently onto his shoulder.

"Neil?" I say his name and he turned to me.

"Todd!" he recognized me instantly, dropped his cigarette onto the ground and crushed it with his foot. Then he stepped forward and pulled me into a tight hug. I was so surprised for a good thirty seconds that I couldn't say a word.

_I said, "Where you been?"  
He said, "Ask anything"._

"_Where were you  
When everything was  
falling apart?_ Charlie was expelled. After you left we lost each other, Neil. Pitts went to Yale and Meeks went to MIT. Knox dated Chris from the play until maybe a month after we graduated in June. Chris ended it before Chet came around and Knox was alone except for me, because the others were too busy to go and see him. He and I are the only ones who've kept in contact all this time. He's alright now though. Cameron was the one who finked on Keating, who none of us have heard from and no one's seen Cameron.

He looked troubled. I probably shouldn't have spilled all that so quickly. "Todd," he said quietly, "I'm so sorry."

"I never heard from you," I continued, knowing I should stop but unable to help myself. _"All my days  
Were spent by the telephone  
It never rang  
And all I needed was a call  
It never came." _

Finally I got enough of a grip so I didn't continue to make him look like he was going to start crying right there. But what I had said wasn't all that was there for me to say.

_Lost and insecure  
You found me, you found me  
Lyin' on the floor  
Surrounded, surrounded  
Why'd you have to wait?  
Where were you?  
Where were you?_

Where Keating had inspired Neil to act and to 'carpe diem!' Neil had inspired me to open up. While he was at Welton I had been open, to however mild a degree. When he left I was even worse than before. Yes I had stood on my desk in defiance of Nolan and to show respect and belief in Mr. Keating, who had been fired at the urging of Mr. Perry, but after that everything had gone downhill and breakneck speed. When the fact that Neil would not be returning had sunk in, the idea that his side of the room would be empty for the rest of the year, that the dead poets meetings were over, that the dead poets themselves were going their own separate ways, and when no one had heard anything from or about Neil, there was nothing I or anyone else could do for any of us.

AN: **so the plan right now is for the last bit of the song to come from Knox (possibly) and then Neil but I'm not sure.**

**2**, this was hard to right because the song like has _ (ghaspet)_. It was weird so if the fic is weird, then…why'd you read it, that's my question. (jk dudes, jk) I love when I have readers.

**3** I sort of made Neil the RENT-Angel of this thing, but he's not…obviously because he doesn't wear skirts. (someone needs to get us a pic of him in a skirt, I would laugh realy hard (dudes I'm tired and it's late so if this is ridiculous,,,(haha comma elipses)) HE'S 40!!! Ahh!!)

**4** if you have no clue what I'm talking about…go watch RENT.

**5** Todd isn't supposed to be quote unquote 'mad' in this, he's just ranting like 'I haven't seen or heard from you in 15 years and you were my best friend and poor Knox and we never heard from you and I was scared for you and…' (do you get it?)

**6 **Again with the slahsiness. I guess they are slashy in this, but not really, though in writing it, the slashy implications were unavoidable.

**7 **I know that the lyrics really tell the story and I just give the emotion, but a) emotion is important and b) so what?

**8** yes I know that some parts of the song are skipped in this chapter and in the following ones, but w/e.

**Last: Did all that make sense? Did you get it? Should I write the other chapter? The more review the like more motivation there is and therefore the faster I write and the faster the updates come out. Totally not a threat, just honesty.**


	2. She Will Be Next to Me

You Found Me: She Will Be Next to Me

"Hey Knox," said Todd's voice. He was on a payphone, somewhere. "Mind if we pay a visit?"

"Um…" I said, surprised slightly by the 'we'. "Sure, but who's 'we'?"

"Me and Puck of course!" Todd said excitedly.

"Yeah, come on over!" I said, smiling. Todd gave a quick 'see you then' and I heard the phone being hung up.

I knew I looked different to what Neil would remember me even before.... After Chris left I'd never been the same. I'd started to drink, and had lost a lot of clients due to it. What Keating had been to Neil and what Neil had been to Todd, Chris had been to me ever since I'd met her.

_In the end  
Everyone ends up alone  
Losing her_

_The only one who's ever known  
Who I am  
Who I´m not, who I wanna be_

There was a knock at my door and I went to answer it. I knew my words were slurred as I said, "Hey guys, long time no see! What the --," Evidently it was not Neil and Todd because they would not have pushed me backward into the banister of my staircase. Looking back I know that it couldn't have been them, but in the mind of a drunk, anything was possible. "Where's Chris!" someone's voice echoed in my head and I felt a fist connect with the side of my face, knocking me sideways.

"What?" I asked, with very little idea what was going on.

"Where is she? She's gone!" Another punch and my feet slipped sideways, off the edge and then I fell down the six carpeted stairs. I hit the bottom and rolled away, letting out a moan of pain, then I realized my lip must be bleeding because I tasted blood. He came down the stairs and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, "You'd better hope I don't find out if she's with you," he told me. Then he shoved me back onto the floor, where I lay as he walked out of my house. All of my drunkenness was gone, so I supposed some good came out of that. Not to mention the fact that he had hit me much more at his party all those years ago, and that had happened in front of Chris too.

_No way to know  
How long she will  
be next to me_

"Knox?" I heard Todd's voice from above me. I didn't know how long I had been lying on my living room floor, but I pushed myself up slowly. "Jesus," he said when he saw me.

_Lost and insecure  
You found me, you found me  
Lyin' on the floor  
Surrounded, surrounded_

"Hey guys," I said again, though weaker this time, "long time no see."

"Knox are you okay? Here, sit down," said Neil, stepping forward and walking down three of the stairs. "Let me see," He tilted my head so he could see where I was bleeding from, "Todd, can you get something cold. He's alright, but he doesn't want all this to swell up." Todd walked upstairs to the kitchen, leaving Neil and I sitting on the stairs.

I asked him "What, are you a doctor now?"

He nodded, "My father put me through Harvard and wouldn't here that it wasn't what I wanted to do. I guess it comes in handy though." He grinned at me "What happened to you anyway?"

"Chet Danburry," I said, remembering how I had said it when we were in high school. "He says Chris is gone, somewhere but I haven't seen in…in fifteen years. He came in, hit me here," I showed him the mark around my left eye which was rising into a bruise, "and asked me where she was. When I said I didn't know what he was talking about he hit the other side, knocked me down the stairs."

"Can you sue him?" Neil asked. He was asking about my profession.

"I could. My dad made me go through law school and set me up under his wing for a few years. I own a firm now." I winced at the pain as I realized that it was still in my lip.

"Does it hurt?" Neil asked, taking up what I assumed was his 'I'm a doctor' voice.

"Oddly, not too bad. I was pretty drunk before, probably still am, but I feel better than I have in years. It's really good to see you again Neil."

"You too Knoxious," said Neil, using the old affectionate nickname Charlie had given to me. He got to his feet and held out a hand to pull me up as well. When I was on my feet I pulled him into a one armed hug and then felt a soaking wet kitchen towel fall onto the top of my head. I shook my head; leave it to Todd. Neil let me go, removed the towel and handed it to me.

_Why'd you have to wait?  
Where were you?  
Where were you?  
Just a little late  
You found me, you found me._

I was thankful they were there.

AN: Poor Knox, but as I tried to make evident, he's pretty BA in the getting his arse kicked. He's like 'WTF' and then 'ow I hate you Chet' and then 'where's Chris I wonder?' and then 'of course Todd, thanks for the towel.'

**2 **The whole 'let me see' isn't because Neil thinks that Knox isn't BA but it's apparent that he did fall down the stairs from the way he was laying so he's like WTF as well. He's being a good doctor –glomps Neil-

**3 **As I said, this is kind of a sad fic because they've all followed what their parents wanted and not what they wanted, but…well…you'll see… hehe -mischievous grin-

**4 **No the last line isn't implying any super depressing thoughts on Knox's part, he's just glad to have friends around.

**5 **And lastly, I guess yes slash could apply here, but it's totally unintentional which is why this is sort of an awkward fic. w/e

**6 **Is anyone else seeing Neil like Wilson because I am and it's awesome!! Yay Wilson! (that wasn't lastly apparently)

**7 **Tell me what you think dudes. It's so funny that stories get like 400+(this story is not in that catagorie) hits and only like 3 reviews, I'm like 'really? _Really? _**REALY**? Not cool' –feels unloved-

**8 **Is this weird that the songfic is going to be several chapters long? It seems out of the ordinary, but I'm carpe dieming (or carpeing the diem I don't really know) and taking the path less traveled by. YAY KEATING!!!


	3. Where Were You?

You Found Me: Where Were You?

Neil and I waited as Knox cleaned up his lip. Neil had said he was lucky to escape a concussion because his head had hit the stairs at least hard enough to make his lip bleed.

"Damn it Neil! Stop speaking!" I smiled reminiscently, thinking of Charlie. Neil looked at me questioningly.

"Remember Charlie, I mean _Nuwanda a_fter Nolan found out about the Dead Poets Society?"

"Yeah," Neil remembered smiling, "When was the last time you saw him?"

I shook my head. "I don't know," but after thinking a moment I said "I think it was the last day he was at Welton. He hit Cameron in the face and they expelled him. He packed up and left and I haven't seen him since."

"Wow," Neil breathed, "That long huh?"

I nodded, then I asked, "Why the 'damn it Neil' a minute ago?"

"Oh," said Neil, seeming to have forgotten he ever said it. "Nothing, I just…It annoys me that I wanted to fight so hard _not_ to go to medical school, didn't fight, became a doctor, and now I play the part so well. This has never been what I wanted but I do it and I'm always in character." And he really sounded bothered by it.

"So can't you get out of it? I mean, you father can't tell you what to do now. You're out of school and living on your own."

"I tried," he said, then corrected himself, "I _do_ try. I always look to see if there's something open on stage. But in the meantime I have to keep a job and the longer I stay a doctor the harder it is and will be to get out." He looked at me, silently asking if I understood what he was saying. I nodded. "People depend on me, and I can't just leave them."

Knox entered. "Want food?" he asked. Dropping our previous subject, Neil and I eagerly agreed to something to eat. "Drunks don't cook well, but I can take you two out if you want." We agreed to that too. Knox pulled on his coat, slipped his feet into his shoes and walked outside with us. He had a car, a nice one, but I drove for public safety.

We ate, talked, definitely did not drink because Knox had enough in him for us all, and then returned to his house. There we ate again, talked again, because we were men and definitely did not drink again. It wasn't until very early in the morning that we crashed, Knox on his couch and Neil and I on the floor.

_Early morning  
The city breaks_

I awoke to Knox moving around the kitchen. "Ironically," he said, before I was even entirely conscious, "I think the fact that I haven't had a hangover this strong in 15 years is telling me that I haven't been this sober. What do you want for breakfast?"

I sat up fully, realized that I had slept in my shoes, kicked them off and looked around. "Where's Neil?"

"He…uh," said Knox, "Come to think of it, I don't know. He wasn't here this morning when I woke up.

_I've been callin'  
For years and years and  
years and years_

I felt the same way I had the day before when I had first met up with Neil. Why did this always happen? I met him, I opened up, and he left. Twice now that had happened.

_And you never left  
me no messages  
Ya never sent me no letters _

How were we supposed to deal with that? The Society falling apart once was bad enough, but again…I didn't know how I would cope. Would I end up drinking the way Knox did?

_You got some kinda nerve  
Taking all our world _

What the _hell_ Neil! I thought. He couldn't keep doing that. Either hang around or take our world and let us find a new one! "Todd?" I heard Knox through my haze of anger. "Breakfast?"

"No," I said flatly, standing up again. "I'm going to go find Neil."

_Lost and insecure _again_  
You found me, you found me  
Lyin' on the floor _I would have wished he hadn't if I had know what would happen._  
Where were you?  
Where were you?_ I was going to find out if I could.

AN:

**1 **So I was listening to Carpe Diem as I typed this and the part "I think it was the last day he was at Welton" that Todd said, I almost wanted to cry. It was this part in the song that crescendos kind of and…awwwwwww –tears-

**2 **I just realized that Neil has had his little 'alone with Xperson' but Knox and Todd don't have their 'alone with each other'. Well they do at the end, but it's different…Weird. Maybe that'll be in future chapters, but at this point Neil's catching up and that's cool.

**3** I know the song isn't in this until like halfway through the chapter, but heck, I thought this was going to be like the last chapter in the story. As far as right now goes, there is one more.

**4** The slash in this chapter is kind of fun, don't you think? They like party, and then curl up on the floor together.

**5** I just realized the year is 1974! Ahhhhh!!!

**6** Yes, now Todd is angry, very harsh too I know.

**7 **Yous guys should review (my old neighbor said stuffs like that (with an s at the end because she was from New York and that was how her accent went) so I typed it) YAY DEAD POETSES!!!


	4. To Find Me

You Found Me: To Find Me

5:30 in the morning and I heard my watch beep right up against my head. I sighed internally. I could skip just one day of work couldn't I? Did it really matter? The answer came to me as I remembered a patient.

No I couldn't, because yes it really did matter.

I had a patient I _had_ to see, and what if more came in? Silently apologizing to Todd and Knox for leaving them I pushed myself to my feet. I would come back. I would not let them down like I had if I could help it, but I had to go.

This was the problem with being a doctor. When I was on a case, I couldn't have personal, or 'sick' days. I _had_ to go (unless I really was sick, in which case I _had_ to stay away). Lives depended on it, every day.

Still, despite my rationalization and intentions, I knew it would hurt them when they woke up. I pulled on my thick coat, and walked outside, realizing then that I had slept in my shoes.

I walked to the hospital, which was not far, but definitely felt like it was due to the cold. I walked in the front doors twenty minutes after waking up and walked toward my office, leaving my thick gloves on my thin hands.

"Dr. Perry," someone greeted me just as I reached the door. I nodded in acknowledgement as I passed.

"Morning," I said, briefly, still distracted by Todd, Knox, and the surgery in less than forty minutes.

The man turned to me, but for the time, I ignored him, as I stripped off my gloves and put a hand on the doorknob. "Don't you remember Nuwanda?" he asked, somewhat smugly.

That woke me up more thoroughly than the cold had.

I turned around. No way. What were the odds that I met up with three of the other dead poet pledges in less than twenty-four hours? "Charlie?" I asked, looking at the older, but unmistakable Charlie Dalton.

_Where were you?  
Where were you?_

"Dr. Perry," he repeated, grinning the same way he had when we were in high school. I dropped the glove to the floor and walked towards him.

_Lost and insecure  
You found me, you found me  
Lyin' on the floor_

I pulled him into a tight hug, which was odd for him because we never hugged, but it was alright. The fifteen years between Welton and now warranted a hug. "Hey there," he joked. I pulled away, now getting a closer look at him. He had a cut under his left eye. "Thought I ought to come see you," he said, matter-of-factly, casually, just like I remembered him.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Hmmm," he said, apparently thinking, "Aha! I remember now. I was in a fight!" Leave it to Charlie, fighting before six in the morning. I raised my eyebrows at him. "Some guy was wasted, and on more than one thing I might add, and started giving Gloria a hard time--," I stopped him briefly.

"You still hang around with her?" It was unusual for Charlie to stick with one girl for fifteen minutes, (unless it took that long) let alone fifteen years.

"Yeah," he said, nodding, "She tamed the beast." I laughed, "or at least she thinks she did," he gave me a devious look.

"Way to go Nuwanda."

"You're some doctor," he said, remembering what had led to that discussion. I didn't though, so I just looked at him. "I come in here and tell you I was in a fight and you ask me about my girlfriend." He shook his head. "Have you diagnosed yourself with ADD yet?"

"No, but I'm wondering whether or not I should diagnose you, though I'm not that kind of doctor. Finish your story."

"You could be that kind of doctor--," though his meaning was entirely different. Feeling slightly violated I nearly shouted:

"Charlie!"

"Oh alright alright! Somebody was giving Gloria a hard time so I told him to knock it off. It was the cliché 'do you want to take this outside?' fight that ended in the building, with this," he referred to his cut, "and a broken table. They kicked us out after that."

"Let me see," I moved forward and looked at the deep scratch. "Good fight?" I asked.

"Shit, this guy fought better than _Cameron_." I laughed at Charlie's sarcasm and asked Charlie if he had seen Cameron lately. "I would have been here sooner if I had. We never finished our fight at Welton." I shook my head and told him I would have to stitch him up. Charlie rolled his eyes.

"We've got to have to have another Dead Poets meeting now you know?" I said.

"What, just me and you?" I shook my head as I put a hand on his arm and we started walking.

"No!" I remembered I hadn't told him I'd seen Todd and Knox yet. "You, me, Knoxious and Todd! If we can find Pittsie and Meeks they should come too."

"I haven't seen Pitts in a few years…though Meeks ought to know where he is. They went to different colleges, but they were _inseparable._"

"You've seen Meeks?" I asked, feeling like I had been the only one completely disconnected with my old friends.

"Not for a while, but after he graduated MIT and before I got into that fight. He's an engineer now. He builds…uhhh…well he builds things and I bet they're more sophisticated things than that radio he and Pittsie set up."

I sighed as I led him into a small room. I ran my hands under some cold water as he made himself comfortable. "Where's Gloria?" I asked, coming to the conclusion that, as he had been fighting in her honor, she should have been there with him.

"She's around," he said. "She came with me, but she might have gone to get coffee or something." I smiled as I pulled on a pair of gloves and prepared to stitch him up.

"And she's just supposed to walk around until she finds you?" He shrugged and answered in the positive. I laughed. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie…

"Ow," he said as I started stitching, "That's sharp!" I looked at him. He was not an idiot, but apparently he needed that coffee.

"Duh," I said, putting my fingers near his eyes like Pitts had done to Meeks. He laughed.

"Hey Nuwanda!" said someone from the door before I got a chance to restart.

"Meeks!" Charlie said. He leapt off the table (nearly impaling himself on the needle) and hurried over to Meeks, who was standing with Gloria in the doorway.

"Don't forget me!" I heard Pitts's voice as well. I stripped off my gloves and joined them. Charlie's cut could wait.

"Neil!" said Meeks, putting his arms around me in another tight hug.

"Both of you!" Pitts said, hugging us both.

"Oh hell," Charlie muttered, "all of us!" He pulled Gloria along and joined the hug. "Apparently Gloria went home," he said to me when we had all managed to pull out of the enormous ten-armed hug.

"I was getting you a coat," she said, holding it out to him. "You look terrible. Did you look at that?" she asked, looking at me.

Charlie shook his head, "Don't answer that. Just sew me up and we can get out of here and go have our meeting." He jumped back up on the table and sat bravely while I 'sewed him up'.

"Look guys, and Gloria. I can't do the meeting right now. I have a surgery right after this and…well…I just – I have to do it. Plus it's…" I was going to try to ease my guilt by justifying that the meetings had almost always been in the middle of the night.

"No problem Neil. We'll wait for you, over by my house," Charlie said. "Give me a pen, I'll write it all down for you." I handed him pen and paper and he wrote down his address.

"Alright then, well I'll see you guys there," I told them, appreciative of their understanding. They exited the room and I took off the second pair of gloves, throwing them both away. There was a knock at the door and I turned.

_Lost and insecure  
You found me, you found me  
Lyin' on the floor  
Surrounded, surrounded_

It was Todd. He looked angrier than I ever remembered seeing him.

"I'm sorry," was all I could force myself to say. That was twice I had done this to him. Left him for my job, the job I didn't even really like. He just looked at me.

Knox ran to his side, but he did not seem nearly as angry. "You left," Todd said finally. "You left again."

"I know," I said. It was yesterday all over again. "I'm so sorry Todd. I didn't mean to leave again." But…wasn't I right in doing so? I hadn't left because I had wanted to. I had even tried to find a reason not to go. It had just turned out that I had to save a life that day. Was that something I could help or was going to avoid just to spend time with Todd? I had a lifetime. She had _today_.

_Why'd you have to wait?  
Where were you?  
Where were you?_

"I have to go," I said, pushing past him.

_Just a little late, _

_You found me, you found me.  
Why'd you have to wait_

_To find me, to find me?  
_

So it was three. _  
_

AN:

**1** I really _really_ wanted to give the name of the patient at the beginning and call her Amber, you know, House/Wilson style, but I thought that was cheesy. Is it? I don't know.

**2** I walked in the front doors twenty minutes after waking up…just a little bit of math in there for you all.

**3 **I have a dirty mind, which was very apparent when I wrote this…see if you can find my subtlety, or lack thereof. –smiles- (Hint…there are several things and you all should review about them all)

**4** I love Charlie, let me just say that. "Hmmm," he said, apparently thinking, "Aha! I remember now. I was in a fight!" (I'm a House obsess-y because of Wilson and all his awesomeness so now Charlie's wonderful sarcasm is reminding me of House.)

**5 **Does anyone actually read all the way through these? My ANs are always really long

**6** I have a new story I'm working on and it's pretty cool. The only reason I bring that up is because the AN for that is literally like a page long, but the story is like…longer…good fun!

**7 ** I don't know if I used the right sow or sew, but …still.

**8** I read 'had to save a life' and then I thought of the other The Fray song "How to Save a Life" and now I want to write a fic about that one but…I don't really know…maybe, inspiring suggestions always welcome! (aka you should all _all ALL aLl AlL aLL All _review even if it's just like a ~B~ for Billy DO IT!) If I do end up doing that HtSaL idea (which I now realize I have to because this one leaves them still pissed off) , it'll probably just be a sequel to this so yay!

**9** Favorite chapter or anything, I think I have one but I'm not saying because I'm not that interesting (just kidding…but I might not be (yay Pitts(shut up brain shut up!) ).

**10** For the record, Charlie didn't know he would meet Neil at the hospital, he just went there because he got hit in the face, but he's Charlie and "There are no accidents". I'll give a dollar to anyone who can tell me where that's from, or rather the first person to tell me because anyone after that could just read the reviews and well…you know…I'm such a dork.


End file.
